What are bear fruit?

One Saturday in 2005 Jan and I were enjoying a lunchtime drink at the Scarbrough Hotel in Leeds and reading the Guardian. After a while I realised Jan was looking at something in the bit I was reading and looking quite confused. Upon asking what the matter was she said " What are bear fruit, and how do you make diet ones?" I had no idea what she was on about and said so whereupon Jan pointed to a headline in the paper and I collapse in hysterics. The headline?

"Lessons on diet bear fruit in Healthville"
To this day Jan insists there should be a comma in it... somewhere! Bear fruit became an in joke between us. Jan mailed a favourite artist of mine NobbyNobody with the story as a suggestion for one of his wonderful drawings. And this was the result

And so started "The World of Janisms" .... wonderfully daft statements... usually followed by the plaintive cry " It's not me fault!"

Xmas Dinner

This year Jan's mum has decided to have lamb for Xmas dinner. But Jan has managed to get her to have "sausage rolls wrapped in bacon, what do they call them? Pigs in baskets?"
It's not her fault you know!

What am I doing on the 17th?

"Im sure theres something. I'll look on my phone. Oh I can't read it, where are my glasses? Oh thats it..... my eye test"

Bless!

Abu Quatada, the well known dessert

As some of you may know Abu Qatada  has been in the news recently and Jans has kept saying it sound like a dessert. Ive been ignoring it but tonight I gave in and asked what she meant. "you know, what was that dessert we used to have in the Cocina" (a wonderful but now defunct Mexican restaurant in Bradford)
And then the penny dropped

"Do you mean Capirotada ?"  " Yes! Thats the one!"

Who would have known?

Talking about the possibility of removing the back of an earing that Jan thinks is stuck inside her earlobe
"Will they only use local anaesthetic? I mean its my ear!. It's close to my head!

Only close?

At last, an explanation!

Its official, its not her fault! Its genetic.
 Jans daughter and partner are moving into a new house and need something to sleep on until their bed arrives. So we have lent them our spare foldup. So Jans mum informs Jan that they will be sleeping "on your crouton".

 Erm so that will be our futon!

PEANUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jan was complaining that no one famous shared her birthday. SO i had a look and to be honest there's not many people you have heard of. But then I found Nelson Piquet. When I tell Jan this she says " Who is that? Sounds like peanuts. Oh hang on thats peanuts isn't it? "
Piquet... K.P. easy mistake to make!